I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they're and their. From now on I'm going to point it out, weather they like it or not.

Do the Chinese realize that when they visit America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?

I just saw an add for the Beloit Memorial Hospital. Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.

It all makes sense now. Pot and gay marriage legalized in the same day. (Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man, he should be stoned.") Well. I guess we've just been misinterpreting it all these years...

Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?

They say after a plane crash they can identify you by your dental records. What I'm wondering is how they know who your dentist is.

A hundred years from now, people will wonder why so many photos of their ancestors involve the subject standing in the bathroom holding a thin rectangular device at shoulder level.

I just watched my neighbor's dog chase its tail for 10 minutes and I thought to myself, "Wow dogs are easily entertained" Then I realized, I just watched my neighbor's dog chase its tail for 10 minutes...

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late.

Friendly reminder that the Mayan calendar ends on Friday. If you have any Mayan friends, a new calendar would make a great Christmas gift.

For most people, when you lose your "khakis" you've lost your pants. When you're from Boston and lose your "khakis" you can't start your car.

Well, this is awkward..." - the Mayans. 12-22-12

Did you know you can't hum while holding your nose? I bet you're trying it right now.

Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger, with something stuck in my eye, and wearing dirty underwear.

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by idiots.

It's that time of year again when commercials remind me that I will never get a car with a bow on it.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and always give the wrong answers.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for those people who like country music, denigrate means "put down".

I'm out of ice cream. Looks like the Mayans were right.

They forgot to mention they were all members of one of those doomsday cults.

http://www.foxnews.com/science/2012/12/17/mystery-mass-squid-uicides-possibly-solved/?intcmp=trending

I'm out of ice cream. Looks like the Mayans were right.

I haven't been in a relationship for so long, Facebook just asked if I am okay.

Part of my New Year's resolution is to take care of neglected children.. starting with my 2... oh wait, 3.

 In a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.

˙ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ pǝsn ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʇ ןןǝʍ

There's more than one way to skin a cat, but people usually freak out and call the cops before you're done with the first.

Ladies, you can cut the crap. When you take a tiny nibble out of that piece of chocolate and then put it back in the box we know that as soon as we're not looking you are gonna gobble it up along with 6 more faster than a cat can lick his butt.

Tomorrow is Thursday, cruciferous vegetable day. Just so you know, Friday would not be a good time to visit.

Maybe, just maybe the guy that was in charge of designing the Mayan calendar just died when he got to December 2012 and nobody else felt like continuing it because they were like, "why the heck were we planning that far ahead anyway?"

Wrapping presents when O.C.D. kicks in....endless.

Popped into to Walmart on my way home this morning. Why do they insist on placing displays in the middle of the aisles like that. Do they realize that some peoples bodies take up the entire space? I saw one woman so huge, she had to walk sideways to get through the walkway. Three children went missing during the attempt.

Baggy clothes

The Mideast word for cease fire

I saw a poor old lady fall down on the sidewalk this morning. At least I think she was poor. She only had $1.20 in her purse.

To the checkout lady at Walmart today: NO, I didn't say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.

Sometimes I'll catch myself talking to myself when I'm alone and then we'll both laugh and laugh...

I'm done watching all the network news, internet news, and all other media. I know who I am voting for. On Tuesday, right after work, I am going directly to Mclenigan School, place my vote, then to home, make supper, Facebook a while, go to bed and wake up to find out who the next president is. I'm not going to sit and watch the news all night long. Such a waste of time and emotions.

Sometimes I wonder if I could/would ever marry a democrat woman. Yeah, like at my age I'm going to be asking that question. I should be more concerned if she knows the signs of a stroke and can perform CPR.


Dave Long, 2012

So while surfing I see this comment: "I'm eating some beer cheese soup, sans cheese". While I totally agree with the sentence, can everyone just stop using "sans". I know it means "without", but why did this word suddenly become popular?

Whenever I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"

If you plan to come up nort!

HOW TO SAVE YOUR ASS IF YOU PLAN TO VISIT WISCONSIN ISSUED BY THE WISCONSIN BUREAU OF TOURISM TO ALL VISITORS:

1) Don't order Filet Mignon or Pasta Primavera at Al's Lodge. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Beloit, Sheboygan, Menomonee, Nekoosa, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle or a can of pop here. Here it's called "soda." Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate and let her win. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don't laugh at our love and pride of cheese or we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak rare like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent. That will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York and Chicago, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, interstate 90, 94 and 43 are ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farmland. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to Chicago.

12) Don't ridicule our manners. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

14) Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your ass will be kicked.

15) The Green Bay Packers are not a joke. God created the greatest football dynasty ever and placed it in Green Bay. Any jokes about the Packers or Vince Lombardi will result in a severe and unrelenting ass kicking.

16) If you are from Atlanta, for your own safety, say you are from somewhere else, lest you get your ass kicked. (Take three sports franchises from Milwaukee and we have a tendency to hold a grudge.)

17) If you are looking for a water fountain, you'll need to go to a park. Water comes out of bubblers here. Make a joke about it, and you guessed it, another ass kicking.

18) Sausage Races are cool. Make fun of it, and one of the Sausages will come up from the field of Miller Park and lay down a 8 foot sausage ass kicking on you.

19) The University of Wisconsin is the oldest, best school in the Big Ten. Any jokes about the quality of UW will result in Barry Alvarez, Ron Dayne,Dick Bennett, Bo Ryan, Crazylegs Hirsch, Alan Ameche, Pat Richter, and any able bodied UW students assisting Bucky Badger in his class, Ass-Kicking 101.

20) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us that hunting is cruelty to animals and venison is not edible meat. This will get your ass shot (after it is kicked). Say this twice and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

Now enjoy your visit and then go home!

Whiten those choppers!

Okay, I'm like totally Republican and watching the RNC. John McCain, dude, you really need to whiten those choppers of yours! Even I, with my meager salary, can afford to do that, why can't you? (looking away, OMG they're hideous)

Paranoid

I get super paranoid whenever I walk into a store with something that they sell there...I start thinking, "how can I prove I already own this thing?"

Songs

I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.

Kardashians

Wow, those Kardashians are some really fugly women!

Hurricanes

I cannot understand, for the life of me, why people, knowing that they live in an area known to have a high chance of flooding and hurricanes, still live there???

Kids on a leash?

At Walmart I saw a kid on a leash. Those things are ridicules. When my kids were young, they were cordless.

Insanity

Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops. And sometimes skips.

Tanning Beds

In a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.

Microwave

Liking my new microwave! I like to stop it with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

Ouch!

Okay men, word of advise. Never under any circumstance succumb to the urge to pee right after slicing a bowl of jalapenos with your bare hands. I had no idea...

I tried hypnosis once but it never worked. (ring) Whoof Whoof.....Whoof....sniff...WHOOF!

Still waiting

Still waiting for the day when a woman finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.

Safety Quiz

I failed a safety quiz at work yesterday. The question was "What steps would you take if there was a fire?" Apparently, "Damn big ones" was the wrong answer.

Last Laugh

When I die and am placed in my urn, I want the lid to be spring loaded and the urn topped off with several of those cloth covered springy tubes. All different colors. That way, when they sprinkle my dust in the Atlantic they will remember that Dad always got the last laugh.

Poor Robin

A robin just flew into the glass of my patio door. I thought he was a dead, but when I opened the door to check on him, he got up and shook it off and flew away. He must have been really embarrassed.

Our lot in life

Sometimes a man has to do what man has to do. Rarely he has to do what a tiger would have to do. Sometimes he has to do what a woman would have to do. And other times, he has to do the work of a salamander.

My New Smart Phone

I'm feeling pretty clever right now. You know that new smart phone I bought? I made my emergency contact number "911".
One thing I don't like about these smart phones. Why is that that every time I put someones number into it, it's lost forever and has morphed into a name? I'll never be able to memorize numbers this way!
So I turned my phone onto “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me...I need smarter friends.

Nice try

Oh, and for all those people out there that want me to be your friend and you have a picture of your car as a profile doesn't make me think you have a cool car, it just makes me know you hate your face.

Bottled Water

Okay, I have a question. I always buy "Ice Mountain" bottled water from Woodmans. I just want to know why water, that has trickled down from mountains for centuries, has a "best by date"?

Date

I'm guessing my comment, "It's not hotter this year. It's just that you have a lot more surface area for the sun to hit", was probably not the correct thing to say during small talk on the first date? No wonder I'm alone.

DNA

My son (he might actually remember this) asked "What runs in our family?" The only thing I could think of was "mental illness".

Cats

What is wrong with people now days! I just heard on the scanner a call that someone is putting a cat in a fire pit! Don't they know that a cat should be butterflied and placed on a grill to seal in the flavor? It's like living in the dark ages in Beloit at times!

A Wise man

A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

Spider

Want to see me spazz like someone with epilepsy? Lock me in a car with a spider.
Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web.

Sea World

I remember while living in Florida, one day I walked in to Sea World with a fishing pole...they were NOT amused. (true story)

Facebook

You know what I think? Unlikely, but I think that Facebook is "Hotel California". You can checkout any time, but you can never leave....

I just saw the most ridiculous thing

I just saw the most ridiculous thing and it's not the first time either. A guy, puts several bags into the trunk of his car, pulls his car up to the dumpster, opens his trunk and places the bags inside, gets back in his car, drives back to his parking spot and goes back in to his apartment. I am talking about driving 150 feet and back just to take out the trash and all because he was too lazy to walk???
He looked like maybe a 30 year old. That's what I didn't get. He didn't look overweight, yet...
I better, clarify. My computer desk is right next to my patio door so I see many things. I'm not a lazy person myself, it's just Sunday morning and I'm relaxing. But to see that just made me sad.

Spaghetti Trick!

Did you know that a piece of dry spaghetti can be used to light a candle or any hard to reach area. (Note that I said, "dry". Never try this with a wet one)

The mysterious nature of all life

I think that the mysterious nature of all life is somehow related to the elusiveness of it's Creator.  Life is all over this world.  You can't escape it.  Even in the most unlikely places, you can find it thriving in some form.  The Creator smiles as we wonder, and says, "I was here all the time".

Dave Long, 2012