Still waiting

Still waiting for the day when a woman finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.

Safety Quiz

I failed a safety quiz at work yesterday. The question was "What steps would you take if there was a fire?" Apparently, "Damn big ones" was the wrong answer.

Last Laugh

When I die and am placed in my urn, I want the lid to be spring loaded and the urn topped off with several of those cloth covered springy tubes. All different colors. That way, when they sprinkle my dust in the Atlantic they will remember that Dad always got the last laugh.

Poor Robin

A robin just flew into the glass of my patio door. I thought he was a dead, but when I opened the door to check on him, he got up and shook it off and flew away. He must have been really embarrassed.

Our lot in life

Sometimes a man has to do what man has to do. Rarely he has to do what a tiger would have to do. Sometimes he has to do what a woman would have to do. And other times, he has to do the work of a salamander.

My New Smart Phone

I'm feeling pretty clever right now. You know that new smart phone I bought? I made my emergency contact number "911".
One thing I don't like about these smart phones. Why is that that every time I put someones number into it, it's lost forever and has morphed into a name? I'll never be able to memorize numbers this way!
So I turned my phone onto “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me...I need smarter friends.

Nice try

Oh, and for all those people out there that want me to be your friend and you have a picture of your car as a profile doesn't make me think you have a cool car, it just makes me know you hate your face.

Bottled Water

Okay, I have a question. I always buy "Ice Mountain" bottled water from Woodmans. I just want to know why water, that has trickled down from mountains for centuries, has a "best by date"?

Date

I'm guessing my comment, "It's not hotter this year. It's just that you have a lot more surface area for the sun to hit", was probably not the correct thing to say during small talk on the first date? No wonder I'm alone.

DNA

My son (he might actually remember this) asked "What runs in our family?" The only thing I could think of was "mental illness".

Cats

What is wrong with people now days! I just heard on the scanner a call that someone is putting a cat in a fire pit! Don't they know that a cat should be butterflied and placed on a grill to seal in the flavor? It's like living in the dark ages in Beloit at times!

A Wise man

A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

Spider

Want to see me spazz like someone with epilepsy? Lock me in a car with a spider.
Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web.

Sea World

I remember while living in Florida, one day I walked in to Sea World with a fishing pole...they were NOT amused. (true story)

Facebook

You know what I think? Unlikely, but I think that Facebook is "Hotel California". You can checkout any time, but you can never leave....

I just saw the most ridiculous thing

I just saw the most ridiculous thing and it's not the first time either. A guy, puts several bags into the trunk of his car, pulls his car up to the dumpster, opens his trunk and places the bags inside, gets back in his car, drives back to his parking spot and goes back in to his apartment. I am talking about driving 150 feet and back just to take out the trash and all because he was too lazy to walk???
He looked like maybe a 30 year old. That's what I didn't get. He didn't look overweight, yet...
I better, clarify. My computer desk is right next to my patio door so I see many things. I'm not a lazy person myself, it's just Sunday morning and I'm relaxing. But to see that just made me sad.

Spaghetti Trick!

Did you know that a piece of dry spaghetti can be used to light a candle or any hard to reach area. (Note that I said, "dry". Never try this with a wet one)

The mysterious nature of all life

I think that the mysterious nature of all life is somehow related to the elusiveness of it's Creator.  Life is all over this world.  You can't escape it.  Even in the most unlikely places, you can find it thriving in some form.  The Creator smiles as we wonder, and says, "I was here all the time".

Dave Long, 2012